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These are extracts from actual letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from above the toilet roof. I think it as that bad case of wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away off the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife was walking up the garden path tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny pale colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I have had the District Councillor down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

 

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Copyright Roy Dickason, October 2002 and May 2013.