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One liner's

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

A seal walks into a club... (think about it !! ).

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite . . . one jar.

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I said "Do you want a game of darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for aromatic duck".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

 

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Copyright Roy Dickason, October 2002 and May 2013.