How to shower like a woman
Take off clothes and place in sectioned laundry basket according to light, dark, white and man-made, natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and run to bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly, complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower and look for face cloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes.
Wash rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair, taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it has all come off.
Shave armpits and legs, consider bikini line but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower and dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check body for remotest sign of spots.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen cover up and run to bedroom spending hour and a half getting dressed.
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed; leave them in a pile on floor.
Walk naked to bathroom, if wife seen shake knob at her shouting 'Way Hey'.
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell finger for one last whiff.
Get in shower, don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.
Wash face, wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
Wash bollocks and surrounding area, wash arse leaving hairs on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner, make mohican hairstyle with soap.
Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower, failing to notice water on floor due to curtain being outside bath for whole of shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel round waist, if you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob and shout 'Yeah'.
Put on yesterdays clothes.
Copyright Roy Dickason, October 2002 and April 2019.