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Signs you've been in London too long

1. You say 'mate' constantly
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 3 for a pint
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'
5. You have no idea where the North is
6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it
7. The countryside makes you nervous
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker
9. American tourists no longer annoy you
10. You talk in postcodes "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day"
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL

Signs you've been in Manchester too long

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it' "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive
4. You support Man City out of principle
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'sun-tanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour
9. You won't pay more than 150 for a wrap of skag
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is

Signs you've been in Liverpool too long

1. You have an urge to steal
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are
5. You're surprised to learn the gunshots you heard last night were just a car backfiring
6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car
7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'
8. You think kids setting fire to seats on the underground are 'just having a laugh'
9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour
10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more

Signs you've been in Glasgow too long

1. You say 'pish' all the time
2. You say 'aye' all the time
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish, like'
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet
6. You punch everybody you meet
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet
8. You are incomprehensible
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth

Signs you've been in Leeds too long

1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds
2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing
3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water and taking five hours to drink it
4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out
5. Gents: you act like a wanker from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out
6. You'll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much something will be in the end of season sale
7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what's in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar - and then lie about where you got it from
8. You see Leeds United players beating someone up/shagging a blonde in Majestyk and don't think anything of it
9. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap', but you've never been as you can't afford the fare, and mum won't let you borrow the escort
10. You hate students - even though you are one
11. Leeds is the centre of your universe - you can't ever imagine leaving until you leave, then you can't ever imagine going back

Signs you've been in Dublin too long

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time
2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group
3. You disagreed with 2 - Guinness is the FIRST food group
4. You're pale and white yet compared to others your suntan looks good
5. You say "Are you Grand?" all the time
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time
12. You say "Your woman" all the time
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'


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Copyright Roy Dickason, October 2002 and April 2019.